I realized today that I have been waiting

Waiting to feel whole again

Waiting for the tears to stop falling

Waiting in the darkness for the light to seep through the crack of my soul

I engulf myself in your blanket to feel your embrace

I rest my head on your pillow to smell you

I stand at the kitchen sink as water spills through my fingers, seeing you standing right there doing the same

I even wear your sneakers, take them for walks around the paths you had hoped to walk 

I make breakfast for myself using your pots and pans and can taste my ancestor’s energy in each bite I take of the food I prepare and remember the love you poured into your cooking

I am surrounded by your belongings and try to find my own belonging in this lonely, timeless place that I am clawing my way out of

Then, it hits me like a crashing wave; what am I actually waiting for?

Time stands still when we grieve, loneliness is overwhelming, and pain is an ever-constant enemy in the soul

I realize that I will find no closure when seeking it

What do I need? I ask myself

Then, I hear your quiet words whispered in my mind’s eye

Time

Time will provide me with more time

Patience, something that has never been my strong suite, will need to become a concept I embrace in this hollowness 

Your death was unfair and for all purposes cruel and was certainly not the way you were to leave this world; yet here we are

I am angry at this “universe” that I have put so much faith into, yet time and time again fails me

Is the glass really half full?

I am tired, tired of waiting, tired of hoping, tired of the struggle

Then, I feel you surround me with a love so strong that brings me back 

Back to the now, back to this life, back to this day

Back to what keeps me striving to heal and show up as my best self; J & L

Back to the silent one, the one who encourages me, my constant, the one who cherishes me, if I allow; Or decide; the wait is over

Instead, I will allow time to provide me the courage to experience more time

I will find you in the air, I will feel you in the ocean, I will bicycle thousands of miles for you, I will look to the birds and seek your merry eyes, I will constantly find the signs that we discussed 

I will find my will

I will rise

And I will fall again

However, I will accept that you are guiding me with a love that only a mother can provide

The wait for Double G

Nicole Zornitzer, ERYT 1000, is a yoga therapist and founder of Niyama Yoga & Wellness Shala, located in Randolph, New Jersey, and Upper Lake Mohawk in Sparta, New Jersey. NiyamaYogaShala.com.